If you can't convince love then you confuse it.

I should be happy, I deserve to be happy now but why you gotta rain on my parade? Urghhh it's so annoying when I still feel responsible to get your life back on track and move on. I wish I can just sweep this feeling or habit away and live my life happily but it ain't that easy. I really don't want to hate you but at the rate you're going I might just go down to your level and react negatively. Life isn't always as we planned.. I planned to be in love till my dying breath but looks like that ain't happening and I've changed my terms of love from romantic to just love in general. Stop being stubborn and accept the changes in life, is that such a difficult thing to consider?
As always, my opinion of love is that it's not an easy concept and you're not making things easier. I really don't understand your strategy of making me "fall in love" with you again coz whatever you're doing looks so damn wrong. Or maybe that's your strategy? If you can't convince then you confuse. Well in that case, you're on a winning path coz I'm one confused woman.

Misery loves a company, good bye.

Misery loves a company.... a conflicting negative yet supportive system for those in such predicament and I've seen how it really works, especially in my life. Yup. it's been a bittersweet miserable journey for the last 6 or 7 years and after much deliberation I've recently packed all my emotional bags, ready to leave my miserable love life. Well it wasn't really all miserable, more like the lack of the love feelings... and this is a post to say good bye to misery, I no longer need your company.  Here's a song by Adele that I would like to dedicate to myself hahahaa actually this song just tells the story of my life.

Close enough to start a war
All that I have is on the floor
God only knows what we're fighting for
All that I say, you always say more

I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb I can't breathe

So, I won't let you close enough to hurt me
No, I won't rescue you to just desert me
I can't give what you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables

Under haunted skies I see you (ooh)
Where love is lost your ghost is found
I braved a hundred storms to leave you
As hard as you try, no, I will never be knocked down, whoa

I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb I can't breathe

Next time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior
When the thunder calls for me
Next time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior
Standing on my own two feet

Sing Adele.. sing!

Adele is the best, sings all our misery in the beautiful melodic tunes ever. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who appreciates her songs. You gotta love the cynicism in her lyrics, those "I love you once but YOLO life goes on" messages hahahaha
Love is an abstract concept, it's very hard to actually know when you really want or appreciate having it or otherwise. A recent discussion with my other half further confused the concept when he equated love with responsibility among other acts such as not bothering to know my whereabouts and stuff in the pretext of respecting my privacy. Hmmmm... that's a new level of abstract.
So how does one define love? Google.com told me that's it an intense feeling of deep affection, translated in verb or action of  feeling a deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone. Well, in that case I definitely have lots of love in me though not for the right reasons hahaha
I consider myself a simple person, I love simple things in life even when it comes to love... I love it when love is readily available when I need it and it's quite alright for me also when it's not there. I've always practiced the concept of "Out of Sight, Out of Mind" which simply translates that I'll love you when I see you and not think about the love when it's not around. However I've found an annoying flaw in this concept which is the longing to hold on to the love longer than necessary.... Haihhh... i really need to find a way to manage this longing or clingy feeling that's super annoying to a point that it makes you feel helpless and a bit lost when the love is out of sight. I have yet to discover an effective solution for now so Adele dear, I'm really counting on your songs to keep believing in my concept of love hahahahaa So Adele, keep on singing and entertain this foolish heart of mine.

This ain't a love song and that's not a bad thing

You can't force feelings, many songs have been written on this. Yet most people don't realize the truth of this matter until you're in that situation and yes, I for one truly understand this. Urghhhhh it's bloody annoying!

After 2 months of emotional roller coaster ride, I'm amazed at how little is understood by my *currently* other half. Maybe he's just being stubborn and find comfort living in denial of the whole situation. Perhaps it's just hope mixed with the fear of walking an unknown unchartered path. Yes, it's scary being alone but sometimes being alone makes you a stronger person. Maybe it's simply the fear of change... or maybe it's the combination of all these.  It's also weird how a small action causes a huge reaction in the relationship. A sudden pour of affection, attention and romantic gestures is definitely not something that'll be appreciated in the current circumstances. Worse is that when these actions are expected to be reciprocal and you're cornered to feel guilty when it's not. I can't... been a hypocrite for quite some time but now that the cat's out of the bag it'll be wrong to act otherwise. 

So how do you get these feelings on board again? I don't really have a formula but if you don't know it too then maybe we're currently at the right place. But one thing for sure, at times like this patience is a virtue. Again, many songs have been written on this matter but now that I'm in this predicament I can safely say that... yes, only time will tell. 

Listening to songs about life ain't such a bad idea for now, these songwriters really know their stuff and it's time people like us start believing their stories. So turn on the radio and crank up the volume!

Keep calm... it's only April Fool's Day.

Hey someone please shout "April fool" already... getting pranked from 31 March ain't funny business hahahaa but yeah, that's how it felt today. Where do i start? Hmmm... perhaps a couple of days ago when I decided to take the big step regarding the main topic of my blog... my love life, or the lack of it hahaa
Anyways, 31 March 2017 marked the day where I decided to go around the corner I was pushed into. Managing the corners ain't as easy as it sounds but alhamdulillah I managed to do so with the help of the loving support around me which was actually quite overwhelming, But I'll save that for another post.
So where is post heading? I really don't know... even though when I started writing it I was quite sure of what I wanted to write about. I had this gush of emotions that needed pouring out but hey, maybe it's the April Fool's day effect that even your brain decided to trick you into believing you have things to pour out in your blog.
So here's my closing... sometimes you don't even know that you're being fooled... sometimes life fools you into believing that you're happy or otherwise... sometimes being fooled makes you wiser and stronger... or maybe sometimes being fooled is just one of universe's weird and wicked sense of humor... either way, it's not how you're being fooled but more of how you handle what comes next that matters.
So here's a toast to April Fool's day and to all the foolish things in my life... you might have fooled and pranked me today *and the many years before that* but I've chosen to learn, grow and sometimes just laugh along. The universe will always find a way to play some sick twisted jokes on you but as the saying goes.... Fool me once, shame on me but fool me twice then the shame is on you. Guess the joke's on you today, Happy April Fool's Day oh dear universe!

The old story of love and hate.

Love. As always, it's the main topic of discussion and I ain't gonna disappoint this time hahahaa but I'll try to make it interesting. The expression "if you love someone set them free blah blah blah..." yup that old and cliché saying about love which i lately find it hard to argue with. I wish others would strictly follow this rule and maybe the love planet will be a less miserable place. 

The saying actually also reflects about being unselfish, you love that person but if she or he doesn't love you anymore then just let the love go. Stop being sefish, being in love requires both parties to actually have love for each other. If not then it'll be just like a creepy stalker situation which might lead to a hostage situation & someone might just end up dead or create the Stockholm syndrome thingy... well of course this is just figuratively speaking but it has the same effect. Seriously, why would you wanna keep someone who can't love you back? That's selfish in one of its purest form. 

I've always believed that hate and love are actually two similar energies. If you can love a person, the same energy can be turned into hate and the situation of not letting a person out of love leave a relationship will drive the energy of love to hate. Don't believe me? Look around you and see how many couples you know that were so in love but aren't able to breathe the same air when the love is gone?

Having said that, I also believe that if handled efficiently that love you have doesn't necessarily be turned into hate... if you don't nurture the love and let it die then you can't turn it into hate. Hahahaha it's not as bad as it sounds but I think if managed correctly you'll be able to maintain the optimum or necessary level of love, say love between friends which will ensure the relationship stays civilized and this in return will make it easier for close people around you as well. Sometimes when we're selfish we often forget that what we do to each other in the name of "love" affects people who are close to us... be it in a good or bad or nauseating way hahahah

So yeah... that's my 2 cents on love in this post. Don't be selfish when it comes to love, be considerate and maybe you have a better chance of avoiding hating one another.

What doesn't kill me makes me stronger... and better be running scared.

Being pushed to a corner isn't the most pleasant feeling in the world. At 42, I know what I want in life and most importantly what I don't want... I don't need to be forced to do things that I clearly know that I don't want... you think you're pulling me closer but all you're doing is push me even further. If that's the risk you're willing to take then go ahead but let me just tell you that I'm an even meaner person when I'm annoyed.

I am what I am today because of you and you can't expect me to be the same person before you broke me. I'm not proud of who I am today but I embrace all the changes that has become of me. I might not be an angel but I know I'm stronger than before, stronger to stand alone.. stronger to decide what I want in life and what I don't really need anymore. You might have killed one part of me but it has built another person who will not run away from her problems. So if you wanna kill me again be prepared to be killed. Just saying... you might wanna run instead.