Music is food to the soul

Recently, I’ve been listening to a lot of songs that somehow fits the description of my life. I know….i’m not the only one but I feel as if someone out there is listening to me and are helping to recognize some emotions that I’ve been ignoring hahaa trust me to be so melodramatic about normal non-drama stuff. So, which songs are singing to me right now? Let’s start with talented Miss Rihanna with her song “California King Bed”. When I first heard the title of the song, it didn’t even dawned to me that the song was literally describing what I’m going through *but then again I don’t have a king size bed or live in California* but I do find the lyrics are truly meaningful:

Chest to chest, nose to nose, palm to palm…We were always just that close
Wrist to wrist, toe to toe, lips that felt just like the inside of a rose
So, how come when I reach out my finger, it feels like more than distance between us
In this California king bed, we're ten thousand miles apart
I've been California wishing on these stars for your heart for me, my California king

Just when I felt like giving up on us
You turned around and gave me one last touch that made everything feel better
And even then my eyes got wetter
So confused wanna ask you if you love me? But I don't wanna seem so weak
Maybe I've been California dreaming

So, that’s one song…another one that seemed to be singing out my heart and life is “Jar of Hearts” by Christina Perri. Well, not exactly the whole song but some parts of it:

I know I can't take one more step towards you, cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore? You lost the love I loved the most
I learned to live, half a life and you want me one more time… Who do you think you are?

Dear, it took so long just to feel alright…
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed, cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back you don't get to get me back

Last week I had coffee with an old college friend of ours and somehow the conversation steered into the path of my life (surprise!!!hahaaa) when she asked me about my recent anniversary celebration. Well, like I wrote in my last blog, I was actually ok with the fact that there was no celebration for this year...until my friend reminded me that it was not ok..hurmmm *long awkward silence of thoughts*  anyway, listening to these songs and some others has helped to calm me down instead of rebelling against what has been decided by my logical sense and thoughts. so, back to the songs that I personally feel being dedicated to me….i know that i’m not alone out there and these emotional roller-coaster rides are not an imaginary thing coz someone else must be going  through similar stuff that I go through. Makes sense right? So to all those talented strangers out there, I pray that your creative hearts will keep on listening to me (and others) music is truly food to the soul and food keeps us alive? Hahahaa it doesn’t sound right but you guys know what I mean right?

Take a bow

Take a bow, the night is over, this masquerade is getting older
Light are low, the curtains down There's no one here
Say your lines but do you feel them
Do you mean what you say when there's no one around
Watching you, watching me, one lonely star

I've always been in love with you, I guess you've always known it's true
You took my love for granted, why oh why? The show is over, say good-bye

Make them laugh, it comes so easy
When you get to the part where you're breaking my heart
Hide behind your smile, all the world loves a clown
Wish you well, I cannot stay
You deserve an award for the role that you played [role that you played]
No more masquerade, you're one lonely star

All the world is a stage and everyone has their part

But how was I to know which way the story'd go?

How was I to know you'd break my heart.

This has always been one of my favorite songs by Madonna and little did I suspect that one day this song would be a reflection of my life…yup, it does. To most people, my life seemed closest to a perfect world but what they see most of the time is a stage of a “perfect world” by actors that knows their line well…too well sometimes it’s scary because there comes a point that you forget the reality of life. When the lights are off and the curtains are down, do you really mean what you say and feel when there’s no one around? I guess for me the answers have always been there but it’s easier to just enjoy the moments in the limelight on the stage until I have the courage to really admit the realities of my actual life…u took my love for granted, the show is over so say goodbye love L

Sky is the limit?

The sky is the limit? One of the overrated statements of the century? Wish it wasn’t so but sadly in some parts of my life, the statement seemed very overrated. Honestly people…who would want to literally reach up to the sky, heck even the astronauts are being paid and maybe forced to reach up to the sky hahaaa why am I ranting out about this issue rite? well, safely to say that used to be one of things that I always tell myself but recently I find that my self-motivating talk and principles are totally ridiculous *sigh* now I sound like a loser eh? not exactly an inaccurate description of myself actually, considering the craps I’ve put myself into the last few weeks. Now, where should I start? Such a rhetoric question but it’s obviously my (love?) life.. yesterday marked the 13^th year of my anniversary and I find myself not getting excited at all to do anything about it, thanks to my lack of emotions since the last few months and dear hubby have also played a large contributing role in the whole scene since he also did the same hahaa not that I was surprised by that fact. Well, to be fair he did asked me out for dinner which, I suspected was a counter-reaction and maybe afterthought to my anniversary wish to him. Why this suspicion of counter-reaction and/or afterthought u might think? How do I explain this?...urmmm it wasn’t planned at all and of course cancelled in the end when he thought that I was ok about him not planning anything for our celebration…so the question is…was I really ok with that? Surprisingly YES, sad eh? well, that’s the thing about hopes and aspiration..when you think that the sky is the limit you actually have to face several consequences  which includes having all the motivation to reach the sky limit or falling down below when you’ve utilized all the willpower to reach it. I guess in my case, the options are quite clear…in certain circumstances such as my “love life” do not aim for the sky;  the  top of a tree branch will do hahaa at least it won’t hurt when you fall or if you’re lucky you might have other branches to hold on to while falling down. So, mr almighty sky…you are not a limit to me, I just refuse to go up high and touch u. sad but true yeah? Watch this space people ;)

Happiness is a state of mind :)

It’s been a while..well, not exactly that long  that I’ve found some time to update my blog. Well to say that I didn’t have the time is such an understatement coz I have to admit that I did have the time in my hands but have done other stuff hahaa guilty as charged. So what have I been doing with my time? You know how they say how time flies when you’re having fun and I guess that’s what happened to me. Since the last time I blogged, sad to update that I still have my baggage with me but I guess I’ve found ways to ignore them very effectively hahaa some might wonder what the tricks are and I found my answer in a most convenient old-fashion way…I began to accept things (in my case..my baggage) yup, just a simple act of ACCEPTING J u know when people say that it’s actually easier said than done, I have to agree but not totally coz it’s not something impossible to do. Yeah..it was hard but once u get the idea into your head, it kinda slips in and believe it or not, nature will take its own course. In my journey of accepting I found that it was easier to slip into the “accepting” mode when you share your thoughts with the people you love and comfortable with. Of course telling yourself every single day helps but I find that people who truly love you for who you are already know these stuff and it’s a big relief for both you and them to know that you yourself have accepted to accept these baggage at face value. It may sound silly but I find that the more I talk about it, it was a lot easier for me to accept my baggage and the sooner the whole process sinks in, I find more peace with myself..and the best part of all this is that I stopped being angry..stopped being angry at myself, stopped being angry with my situation and I stopped thinking of “WHAT IF??” and start asking yourself the question of “WHAT NOW?” I have to warn you though that once you start asking the question of “WHAT NOW?” the journey and future can look and feel scary, but one thing for sure, I’m happy and time flies when u’re having fun J I’m happy to know that I finally accept the bitter truth that I’ve been dragging to accept and I’m happy to know that I can actually consider other options, planning of how to change my baggage to a more glamorous, perhaps branded baggage hahahaa *wishful thinking*I’m happy to know that some other options which may seemed ridiculous can actually work out and lastly I’m happy to know that my options can make other people that I love happy as well…..not in the way that they wished it could be but happy nevertheless. So yes…I’ve been a bit unhappy in my last blogs but I’m happier now. I do know that my happiness might and will cost some other people but hey, let me take my turn and be happy for now eh? so those people who are unhappy with my happiness..here’s something for you to consider, “happiness is a state of mind” and I’ve found my State…and you can feel free to join me in my State or you can also tell your unhappiness to “get the hell out” and enjoy life coz at the end of the day, life is too short to be unhappy and why not let happiness win this time yes?

Silence is not always golden

A lot has happened since the last time I updated this blog.. Well, most of the time I’ve been on a crazy emotional ride hahaha not that it’s such a rare occasion nowadays. To start with, I’m on the right track of completing a paper that I’ve been dreading to write and that’s good news and at times like this, I find that I’m at my most peaceful moment. Yup, I’m truly in love with what I do though sometimes the love had been taken for granted, quite how many things or people have taken me for granted. Guess karma does work in its most mysterious ways, huh? For a start, my ever emotional turbulent love life with my other significant half.. Well, actually it’s had already passed the turbulence stage as I can’t seem to rock the boat anymore…be it in the nice or not so nice way. Last few weeks, I was presented with a moment that I saw as an opportunity to start a “decent” ground for discussion. However, much to my surprise the moment had (miserably) failed to even start a simple discussion on our life despite my efforts to stir things up..hahahaaa God knows I’m an expert at provoking the situations with my so-called rhetorical questions. Come to think of it, I’ve always thought that I’m blessed with such talents..ok, let’s not go there. Anyway, after failing miserably to spark an avenue for discussion, things sort of have settled down into a very somber and un-interesting sort of communication…which is the “silent war” but in a very civilized manner…ironically, I have this nagging feeling that it’s very uncomfortable for him to ignore the “silence” between us but he’s doing very well at ignoring and looks as if he’s on the path of winning. Is being silent the correct path to winning? Honestly, I don’t really know. All my many years in relationships, be it romantic or not..l’ve always known that the moment you stopped talking is the moment where u couldn’t be bothered to care. Could it be? *sigh* considering these crazy uncomfortable moments, I have sort of decided to try a radical move but I’ve yet the courage to even start it. Maybe in my next update eh? 

Bittersweet loss

*sigh* my 2nd first blog..what happened to the first one??? lost it in the friendster upgrade..well, i can't blame them coz i have been neglecting my account. so to say, i have successfully taken for granted the love-hate relationship i had with them and we all know the result of taking things for granted...u'll only realize how much they mean to you till it's too late...till u lose them. I wonder when i'll ever learn my lesson? or when all of us can learn a thing from two from these losses. It's actually also very ironic that the act of "taking things for granted" is something that we don't like other to do but we do it all the time and what's more ironic is that we do it sometimes with a sick hope to actually lose the things we love. crazy eh? we might not want to admit it but it's actually true and the real question is why? guess some of our common reasons include "i can't hurt him/her/them" and "it's better this way" and "i just don't freakin' care">>>sad  but  true :( well, i would like to (officially) apologize to friendster for taking them for granted, i'm sorry to "sweet30" blog for neglecting to save u from being lost, sorry to all the bittersweet, love-hate emotions that i've poured in the blog...u will be dearly missed and will always be remembered..but as i always say...life is too short to be upset over the things that you've lost. tomorrow the sun will still shine and life goes on :) welcome to my new blog!